dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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