She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
