dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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