He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
