My underwear smells like fireworks.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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