im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
