I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
