I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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