Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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