i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
