I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
