Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
