he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
sex in a hospital.. check
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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