What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I met the friendliest cop last night
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
