My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
