i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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