Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
