Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
we're making bets on your personal life
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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