hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
