It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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