im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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