I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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