he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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