bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
