He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
