now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
