Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
