Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
