I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize