I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
