your thong is hanging out like whoa
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
