That's when you crack a 10am beer
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Terrible idea I love it
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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