i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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