She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
