my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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