1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
