you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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