So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
