I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
