i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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