I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
