he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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