When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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