I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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