Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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