1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
