umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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