What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
NoShamevember. You game?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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