a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
