I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Randomize
