i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
