Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
