I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize