This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
