I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
