i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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