Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize