We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
