Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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